The main question, as I understand it, centres around whether it’s possible for a feminist to get married without compromising his or her ideals. I have to say I strongly believe the answer to that is yes. I can certainly see where people are coming from when they claim that marriage is an inherently patriarchal institution. It has its roots in patriarchy, and many people still view it and practice it in this original, patriarchal sense. But that isn’t how it has to be.
The way I see it, just about everything in life is rooted in the patriarchy. Straight nightclubs are often sexist, but going to a bar doesn’t have to be anti-feminist if you dress for yourself rather than the men looking at you, if you pay for your own drinks, and if you consider yourself to have as much right to refuse/pursue anyone in the bar as the men in there. Even the idea of dating is often viewed in a patriarchal way – if I go to dinner with my boyfriend, people will assume certain things: he asked me out, he’s paying for the date, he will win my heart if he gives me flowers at the end of it, etc. However, going on a date has no sexist implications if we split the cheque and have intelligent conversations rather than confirm to silly gender-based stereotypes.
My point is that marriage is what both people make it. If you want to wear a white dress, take your husband’s surname, walk down the aisle with your father at your side and your female friends behind you to meet your husband with his male friend there, be pronounced “man and wife” and have him “kiss the bride” and put a diamond on your finger, and afterwards have men make speeches about it, you can do that. That’s entering into a traditional, patriarchal institution. However, there are ways to change all those things.
- The white dress: there is no law saying you have to wear white, or even a dress. If you and your partner like to swim together, get married in bathing suits. If you like to ski together, get married in winter coats and goggles. If you want to make a statement about the classist dress codes at formal events, get married in jeans with holes in them and t-shirts. If you’re environmentalists, get married in the most environmentally-friendly clothes there are. This day is about you and your partner, so you can get creative and wear whatever you feel represents you best.
- Taking his surname: well, that one’s obvious. Right now I consider myself to be “Ms -Real Name-”, and if I get married, that won’t change. Naming the kids is another issue, but that’s an issue whether you’re married or not.
- Walking down the aisle: if I ever got married, I would insist upon walking down the aisle with my husband. There are lots of ways to involve your parents/friends in the ceremony, and it doesn’t have to mean the groom chooses his male friends and the bride chooses her female friends. The terms “bridesmaids” and “best man” need not be used.
- There is nothing sexist about wedding vows if you both say exactly the same words in the vows, and leave out any references to “man and wife”.
- There is no rule that says you have to use rings, and certainly no rule that you have to conform to the classist traditions in which the man only cares about the woman if her buys her a big diamond. You could both wear matching, cheap rings.
- Have everyone make speeches, or no one.
- Split the work of wedding planning, don’t get all worked up as though it’s the best day of your life, no stag and doe, and keep the budget small. Obviously any wedding costs a certain amount of money, but by not conforming to the white wedding ideal, you can save a lot of money and spend it on something that can actually benefit you as a couple – like a honeymoon or a house.
- This is the most important one: don’t change your relationship after you’re married. Don’t slip into gender roles or expect your partner to. It’s fairly obvious.
All the things I just listed should really be obvious. Since I have not been planning my wedding since I was two years old, and in fact have not given it any thought until the little thought that was required to write that list (I fully admit it was mostly stolen from the article – I just had a few of my own things to say about some of the items), I know I have only scratched the surface of the ways in which a wedding can be feminist.
Now, I do have my own particular views about marriage. I would not get married because I or my partner felt that we had to do it, or because we felt it would legitimize our relationship. If our relationship were so fragile that we felt it might fail without a contract keeping us together, then I would not consider us close enough to get married. I would also not get married for the sake of being married. I’m only eighteen and I am far too young to know yet if I will ever want to make a lifelong commitment to someone, and I do not fear the possibility that I may never do so. I would not get married because I believe that married relationships are more legitimate or more of a commitment than other ones. However, that doesn’t mean I see no reasons to get married.
Reasons to get married (yes, I am quite fond of lists):
- It's an excuse for an awesome party. If I got married I would keep it low-budget, but the reason I look forward the party isn’t the whole white wedding and all the expensive stuff that’s supposed to surround it. I like the idea of all my and my partner’s friends and family coming together to enjoy themselves, meet each other, and in general (hopefully) have a great time. Obviously there are lots of ways in which you can do that, but whether it’s right or not (and I don’t believe it’s right, but it is true), you will get the most people there if it’s a wedding.
- There are legal benefits. I don’t agree with all of them, like the idea that romantic couples living together deserve more benefits than two best friends living together. However, the legal benefits would be a great help to me and my husband/wife (depending who I married) in our married life. I realize there is also the issue of the equality of these legal benefits. I live in Canada, where same-sex marriage is legal and equal, and I don’t think I’d consider marrying anyone if it weren’t. If I were to marry a man, I would make sure that all services we used would equally extend their services to any same-sex couple.
- It’s a celebration of our love and commitment – not that we need a wedding to do that. If I married someone then every day would be a celebration of this, but a wedding would be one day when we can celebrate it with the many other people we cared about. I like that idea.
Obviously, marriage isn’t for everyone. I judge the quality of a relationship on how healthy and equal the partnership is, how strong the communication and the trust, and how great the commitment. I would not consider anybody else’s personal choice to not get married to make their relationship any less significant or committed. I judge the starting point of a relationship to be the actual beginning of the relationship, rather than the wedding date. And in fact, even if I were to meet someone to whom I wanted to make a lifelong commitment, s/he and I may come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for us. I just don’t like the idea of not having the option open on the grounds that it’s anti-feminist, when I think marriage is what you make it.
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