I want to talk a bit about a particular feminist stereotype, and one I’ve heard a lot. In our culture, even some friends of mine who wouldn’t normally buy into stereotypes about gender, race or sexual orientation (and, of course, just about everyone who does buy into them) do not hesitate to stereotype feminists. This, of course, largely comes with the misguided idea of what feminism is (most people who believe these stereotypes would agree that women do deserve equal pay for equal work, and that therefore they are feminists themselves). However, one of the stereotypes that seems particularly ridiculous to me is the idea that feminists hate men. In fact, it is impossible to believe completely in all of men’s rights without being a feminist.
I recognize that misogyny and misandry are functional terms in that they allow us to define overt types of discrimination, but the use of separate terms gives the false impression that it is possible to separate one of the other. In fact, for every stereotype or societal expectation that says females can’t do something, there is one that says males must do it. And for every stereotype that says females must do something, there is one that says males can’t do it. This poem by Nancy R Smith (more commonly seen in its adapted version) illustrates this point much more beautifully than I could.
This particular issue came to my mind because of a conversation with a (straight) male friend of mine (actually my ex-boyfriend). He was trying to tell me things about how all males think, but of course he was basing it on how he himself thinks. He was trying to defend sexist comments he’d made on the grounds that that’s really how all guys think. I consider my boyfriend to be my best friend, and my broader group of friends consists of mostly males. My ex-boyfriend was trying to tell me that all these guys are actually jerks just like him, but I don’t know it because they censor themselves around me because I’m a girl. I’d like to make a list of the basic points he made, and my responses from a feminist perspective.
Statement: All guys are jerks on the inside, but hide it by censoring themselves around girls.
Feminist response: Males, like females, can be wonderful people or jerks. Some choose to censor themselves around certain people, and some prefer to be themselves. Just because my boyfriend/male friends are males doesn’t mean I should assume they’re fake around me.
Statement: Any time a straight (he didn’t specify this, but I assume he meant it) guy meets a female within his age range, he automatically rates her in terms of physical attractiveness.
Feminist response: This may be true of some guys, and it is certainly how society tells guys to think, but thankfully, there are lots of guys who do not mindlessly follow these expectations. Many guys have minds of their own and are capable of seeing women as individuals. The fact that one guy is shallow does not mean they all are.
Statement: Males, moreso than females, are inherently homophobic.
Feminist response: Males and females have and equal capacity for tolerance, or lack thereof. Homophobic beliefs are societal rather than inherent, and males and females are equally prone to internalizing societal messages.
Statement: Males, moreso than females, always have conventional tastes in the opposite sex (they all like big breasts, blonde hair, thin figures, not too much muscle, etc).
Feminist response: Tastes in women vary from individual straight/bi male (and lesbian/bisexual female), and only a very stereotypical viewpoint suggests that they are looking for the same thing.
Statement: Guys are always thinking about sex and how to get it, and are helpless without it.
Feminist response: A person’s sex drive varies from individual to individual, male and female. Males and females are both equally capable of functioning without sex and thinking about other things.
In every case, the statement made by my ex-boyfriend was an example of misandry (and, because of references to the objectification of women, etc, also misogynistic), and the feminist response was against his anti-male argument. I really think people need to understand that what is anti-male is also anti-female, and what is anti-female is also anti-male. More importantly, what is pro-female, which is feminism, is also pro-male.
I know what it’s like to not fit my gender stereotypes or to meet my gendered expectations. I know what it’s like to be a female who’s expected to be emotional rather than logical. But I also have male friends (ironically enough, my ex-boyfriend is among them) who are hurt when people expect them to never show emotion. People need to understand that far from being about “special rights for women”, feminism is about changing the harmful realities that both males and females face every day.
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